Val Neil

Dark Fantasy Author

Author Burnout or Autistic Burnout?

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I’ve been in autistic burnout for two years. It took me a while to realize that’s what it was, because author burnout is a thing too. I was struggling to work on my book and figured it must be author burnout. But none of the suggestions for getting out of author burnout worked for me.

Authors get burned out by doing too much work. Indie publishing is hard — we have to wear all the hats associated with a small publishing business, because that’s what we are. There is writing, but there’s also working with cover artists, editing, newsletters, marketing and ad copy. A lot of writers hate all but the writing, but I actually enjoy them as they’re part of my special interest.

Then there is the constant need to produce. It’s all about the backlist — how many books you have in your catalog. More books equals more income, but it takes time to put out that work. Some authors use a rapid release model and push themselves to write a book a month (or more). While some authors can keep up that pace, many can’t and end up slipping into burnout.

When I looked at author burnout recommendations, it was all stuff like refill your creative well (read, travel, watch movies), hire an assistant, offload what you can, and don’t push yourself to write at a pace you can’t sustain.

Yeah, none of that worked for me.

Unlike neurotypicals, autistics get energy from our special interests and get super stressed when we can’t do them. I wasn’t writing too much; I wasn’t writing at all. And it was killing me.

I thought maybe it was just the stress of 2020 and everything that was going on in the world. That certainly fed into it, but I expected things to get better after the election and after the vaccine came out. It didn’t. Even when I stopped homeschooling for the summer, things didn’t get better. If anything it got worse because now I had all this free time and couldn’t do anything with it. I couldn’t focus on my book at all.

I tried again to refill my creative well. I set my book aside without guilt and watched movies and TV shows. After month I still wasn’t feeling better. Another month, same thing.

What the hell was happening to me?

Thing is, while some of my external anxieties around politics and covid were reduced, I still had massive stressors at home. The kids bickered constantly, or else they came in and interrupted me. Interruptions are brutal on autistics, and I was getting them nonstop. My executive function isn’t great, but it’s better than anyone else’s in the household, which means a lot of the small duties fall to me. With everyone home all the time they were piling up. Taking a weekend away did nothing, because all the demands and stressors were there when I came back. Except now they were magnified because I had stuff to catch up on since I’d been gone. It was death by a thousand cuts.

I really didn’t start to see a light at the end of the tunnel until the kids went back to school. Since my husband works from home now he’s been handling the morning shift so I can sleep in. I finally have some semblance of control over my schedule and far fewer interruptions. I’m able to work it again, though it’s still hard to get back into the headspace.

I’m not out of the woods yet and feel like I’m walking on a razor thin edge over a bottomless pit of despair. I make dinner for the kids but I can’t make dinner for myself. I cook a big batch of eggs at the beginning of the week so I don’t have to make breakfast every day. I’ve been leaving the pan in the sink to soak. Normally I’d wash the dish same day, but these days it sits there for a week until I need to use it again. This is something my husband used to do that drove me nuts. Now I’m the one doing it. I see it there and know it needs cleaned but can’t muster the energy to do it.

The kids being back in school comes with its own demands. There’s all the stuff surrounding my son and his IEP which I can’t avoid, but there’s also little crap like spirit days and book fairs and homework. Book fairs are fun — we always do that — but I always skip things like spirit days and I told my youngest I don’t care she does her homework. I’m cutting back where I can and focusing on the things that actually need doing. I’m trying to be easy on myself about this.

I’m working on Dark Mind again. It’s causing an undue amount of stress not to have it finished. Again, we autistics get energy from our special interests. I can’t move forward in the series until this is done, which is why am so stressed about it. I’m hoping to have this current revision done by the end of the year, although that might be a pipe dream. I was planning to hire a sensitivity reader for part of it, but I’ve been revising for two years now and the thought of having to do major revisions again terrifies me. I may be stressing over nothing as I try to do my research, but the worry is there. I don’t know that I can handle any more at this point. I just need it done and off my plate.

Don’t know where I’m going with this, except to say that I’m doing my best and hope to recover soon. Keeping myself afloat as best I can. Getting my special interest fix in ways that don’t stress me out as much — writing newsletters, interacting with fans, and writing

Accidentally Autistic: Marcus Brewer, About a Boy

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Welcome to my Accidentally Autistic series, in which I discuss headcanoned autistic characters — characters not formally declared autistic by the creators, but heavily coded that way, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Will and Marcus

Am I watching old favorites because I’m in a funk? Maybe.

About a Boy is about a snarky, self-centered man named Will who gradually learns to open up and make genuine connections with people. I love characters like this, so it’s not surprising I like this movie. The second main character is Marcus Brewer, a twelve year old boy who meets Will on the day that his depressed mother attempts suicide. He stalks Will and forces him into a mutually beneficial friendship.

Marcus reads as autistic to me. He’s described as a “weird kid.” He randomly sings or talks aloud without realizing it, and spouts out inane facts in conversation, like that dolphins can kill sharks with their noses.

Marcus misses a lot of social nuances. When Will offhandedly says, “see you soon” as a generic parting phrase, Marcus takes him literally, calling him up to ask when they’ll be hanging out next. Will tries to get out of it, but Marcus doesn’t take the hint.

“I’m super busy at the moment.”
“I thought you did nothing.”

When Will finally acquiesces, Marcus insists his mother come along and bluntly tells Will they’ll either have to go someplace cheap or Will has to pay. Will remarks on the bluntness and Marcus reiterates, “You’re rich, we’re poor, you’re paying.”

When Marcus invites himself over to watch television, he abruptly announces his departure and leaves once he’s had enough. It feels very scripted to me. Marcus offers a hand for Will to shake and says, “Thanks, see you.” Then just leaves before Will can reply. In another scene, Will holds up a hand and says “high five.” Marcus doesn’t react and just walks past him. When Will attempts to talk about his attraction to Rachel, Marcus interrupts him to talk about his own girl problems. He also doesn’t understand slang like “taking a piss.”

Marcus seems to get along better with adults than with kids, understanding them better. He does try with other kids, but his conversations come off as forced or odd. He’s bullied horribly at school. When he’s confronted with another bully at Rachel’s house, he leaves without even announcing his departure to the adults. To me this reads as both overwhelm and unconsciously breaking a social convention.

Fiona, in her “yeti costume”

One could argue that Marcus is nerdy and weird because of his mother, who is, in the words of Will, a “daft fucking hippie,” but most kids don’t look to their parents for how to fit in past a certain age. When Marcus tries to set his mother up with Will, he had a hand in making her look less than presentable: “At least she looked good. I made her put on that nice furry jumper, and those earrings she got from a friend who went to Zimbabwe.” Even though he’s socially ostracized, he doesn’t seem to understand that his own fashion sense is as bad as his mother’s.

There were no signs of sensory issues that I saw, but most accidental portrayals have them.

So what do you think? Is Marcus autistic?

Socializing Post Covid: When Scripts Fail

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woman with paper bag on the head pointing away from herself
woman with paper bag on the head pointing away from herself

I forgot how to people. Or rather, the NTs forgot how to people, or miss doing so, because they threw off my scripts today.

Here in the U.S., “how are you doing?” is a greeting that requires no more than “fine.” Sometimes people get more specific, like “how was your weekend?” or “what do you have planned for the day?” but I can usually get away with some noncommittal response (“Same as always.” “Not much.”).

The doctor asked how my weekend was. Every day has pretty much been the same as any other day since the start of 2020, so I’d forgotten Memorial Day had just passed and he was looking for something specific. I said something about homeschool and all days being the same. Thankfully he stopped the small talk and got down to business.

The lab tech for my blood draw did not, however.

“What do you have planned for today?”

“This.”

“Oh come on, you must have something fun planned.”

(It’s a Wednesday, wtf would I have planned?) “I’m, uh, working.”

“What do you do?”

(Dying inside) “I’m an author. I’ll be working on my second book.”

“You have a book out?”

“Yes.”

“Is it on Amazon?”

“Yes”

“What’s it about?”

My brain bluescreened at this point, and I just kinda looked at him with the nervous, deer-in-headlights smile of death/leave-me-the-fuck-alone.

“Come on, what’s it about?”

. . .

“Is it explicit or something?”

“No! Oh, no no no, nothing like that. It’s just that you’re putting me on the spot and this”—motions to lab area—“makes me nervous.”

“That’s why I’m trying to get you to talk. To take your mind off of things.”

Like I don’t need to talk. Talking takes brain cells, but especially so when I’m stressed. I just want to get it over with and gtfo. I have somewhat of a needle phobia, but I have my coping mechanisms and being forced to socialize wasn’t helping. For the love of god, please just let me zone out.

I rambled about how my second novel was a bitch to finish because I had to split it in two, and that doing the research had been extremely depressing (mental health and racism in the 50s) and that the arrival of 2020 hadn’t helped.

When I left it occurred to me that on the off chance that the guy looked up my book on Amazon, he wouldn’t be able to find it, as he didn’t have the title or my pen name. I don’t know if I feel better or worse about that. Part of me is like, “he’s going to think I’m a liar.” The rational part knows it doesn’t matter.

I’ve done okay so far when interacting with extended family, but I feel like my brain needs a lot more warning/ramp up time than it used to pre-pandemic. These spur of the moment interactions are really throwing me off. Anyone else having issues reacclimating?

SPFBO 7 Cover Contest

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Holy crap! My book made it into the SPFBO7 cover contest! 😱

I might be slightly excited over this. I made the cover myself and have had no small amount of imposter syndrome over it. Authors are cautioned against making their own covers, not due to a lack of photoshop skills, though there is that, but because most don’t do enough research and the end product looks very sloppy and DIY. I have limited PS skills, so I did my best to mimic an established and proven style that was clean and simplistic (though I later found this is more for print books). This first book is made with stock art, but I commissioned the illustrator to make custom work for the following two books.

I don’t anticipate winning the contest, but just the fact that I got picked is extremely gratifying.

You can see the other contestants here.

Dark Apprentice Cover

You can order Dark Apprentice here.

SPFBO 7 is Here!

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Super excited to be entering Self-Published Fantasy Blog-Off 7. I’ve watched the contest for a few years now, but this is the first time I’ve had a book of my own to enter. Feels like a major milestone as a new author.

For the uninitiated, SPFBO was started by Mark Lawrence to shine a light on indie publishers. Applicants are divvied among ten different fantasy bloggers, who each pick their favorite book to go on to the finals.

There are 300 contestants so I don’t anticipate making it to the finals, especially considering the polarizing nature of my protagonist, but it’s cool just being able to submit. I wish the other contestants the best of luck.

You can follow the contest here:
SPFBO Page
SPFBO Fb Group